Red Gown, Red Streets

In this dystopian society 

My timeline is limited 

Yes I am white

But I own a uterus 

My existence is explained by a few organs

In this dystopia 

My timeline is limited 

Because once they find out 

That I have disabilities

I would be strung up on the wall

When they find out that I can’t work consistently 

I will be up on the wall

When they find out that just getting in the shower

Is an accomplishment for me during rough weeks like this

They will deem me useless 

They will kill me

They will do what they can to dispose of me because 

Why would I serve a purpose if I can’t bear a healthy child

These past few days 

I have been in the most 

Teeth clenching, gnawing, mind numbing pain

Pain where at times I surprised didn’t knock me unconscious 

And I am medicated 

That’s me on my worst day

With meds.

So to imagine a reality where I don’t have access to medicine 

Where I am expected to bear my pain

Conceal this invisible force ripping my insides apart

I honestly don’t know if I would make it

And I don’t know that I could hide it

I think about my other disabled friends who do not have the option of escaping 

I think of the disabled people left behind to burn in their homes because of fires

I think about eugenics 

And the deep history of tucking the disabled people away

Institutionalizing them in places that can be deemed unlivable

Torture

I’d like to think that I would rise up

And push through the pain

And fight

But as I lay in bed

With my apartment in an embarrassing state

It’s hard to imagine a world where I survive

When I can’t clean the dishes piled so high

It’s hard to not think I will be left behind 

Because everyone else is just fighting for their lives

So I lay here hoping that I will be taken care of

Hoping that if I need it 

My community will carry me on their backs with love

But still 

No matter the amount that I give my all

No matter the face I present to mask

The thoughts of me being left behind 

Are always waiting in the back of my mind

We are experiencing history and for those who understand 

We are and never have been living in a free land

Because I am disabled and am not worthy to exist in their eyes

So these thoughts that I may end up on the wall persist


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Stitching the Revolution.

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The Pain Alarm