Red Gown, Red Streets
In this dystopian society
My timeline is limited
Yes I am white
But I own a uterus
My existence is explained by a few organs
In this dystopia
My timeline is limited
Because once they find out
That I have disabilities
I would be strung up on the wall
When they find out that I can’t work consistently
I will be up on the wall
When they find out that just getting in the shower
Is an accomplishment for me during rough weeks like this
They will deem me useless
They will kill me
They will do what they can to dispose of me because
Why would I serve a purpose if I can’t bear a healthy child
These past few days
I have been in the most
Teeth clenching, gnawing, mind numbing pain
Pain where at times I surprised didn’t knock me unconscious
And I am medicated
That’s me on my worst day
With meds.
So to imagine a reality where I don’t have access to medicine
Where I am expected to bear my pain
Conceal this invisible force ripping my insides apart
I honestly don’t know if I would make it
And I don’t know that I could hide it
I think about my other disabled friends who do not have the option of escaping
I think of the disabled people left behind to burn in their homes because of fires
I think about eugenics
And the deep history of tucking the disabled people away
Institutionalizing them in places that can be deemed unlivable
Torture
I’d like to think that I would rise up
And push through the pain
And fight
But as I lay in bed
With my apartment in an embarrassing state
It’s hard to imagine a world where I survive
When I can’t clean the dishes piled so high
It’s hard to not think I will be left behind
Because everyone else is just fighting for their lives
So I lay here hoping that I will be taken care of
Hoping that if I need it
My community will carry me on their backs with love
But still
No matter the amount that I give my all
No matter the face I present to mask
The thoughts of me being left behind
Are always waiting in the back of my mind
We are experiencing history and for those who understand
We are and never have been living in a free land
Because I am disabled and am not worthy to exist in their eyes
So these thoughts that I may end up on the wall persist